Without Her
by talv1914
Summary: Tears escape from my eyes and I find myself sobbing uncontrollably. Astoria won't be back, she's dead. She didn't deserve this, she didn't deserve to die this young and I wish I could do something, anything, to change it. If I could bring her back… Merlin, I would take her place in a heartbeat.


A/N: This is my entry for round nine of the Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition. The pairing I used is Draco/Astoria.

Prompts- (word) Join, (word) bustling, (quote) "I think and think and think, I've thought myself out of happiness a million times, but never once into it" – Jonathan Safran Foer

I do not own Harry Potter.

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Astoria died on the fourteenth of March, five days ago. It all began when she had a very low heart pulse. Neither of us thought it was something serious, she was sick a week before that, so we thought that maybe she was still ill. With every day that passed, her condition made me more and more concerned. After two and half days I dragged her to St. Mangus to get her checked. We were waiting for the results when she had a heart attack. By the time the healers got to her, she was already dead.

There was nothing they could really do. Astoria had a ''silent'' heart attack, so she didn't have any symptoms until she lost consciousness. But there were symptoms before that. For two days she barely ate, she barely did anything besides sleeping and lying in bed. She told me she felt some kind of discomfort, but she couldn't tell what caused it. She bloody **told me**. It occurred later that she wasn't sick before that like we thought; she had a cough, she assumed it was a cold, but apparently it was caused by a heart problem.

And here I am, standing in front of a coffin, all these people around me, Scorpius by my side. I focus my gaze on the white flowers on the coffin, keep telling myself not to cry, not to show any kind of emotion. In the past, I was so good at hiding my feelings, now I feel transparent and obvious, and hopeless, because I can't do anything about it. A part of me prefers not to be here, with so many strangers around me. They aren't really strangers, though it feels like they didn't know her as well as they should have to have the privilege to be standing here and crying.

Daphne and her mother are crying on each other's shoulder on my left. Mr. Greengrass is standing on Scorpius's other side and he is one of the only people in this funeral, who I feel close to. He always loved Astoria, always supported her and he always accepted her. And so did Scorpius. Scorpius always treated Astoria better, not because he loved her more, but he had more reasons to judge me and he did. She always told me that he takes out anger on me because he is a teenager, he doesn't know what he is doing. I know she was right, he usually gets angry with me for little things, but Astoria is the better person between the two of us.

We both love and loved him with all of our hearts, we were a happy family. Scorpius and I argue sometimes, but he is a lot like me, which can be both for better and for worse, but Astoria always knew how to handle it when the bad side was showing. Hopefully I saw her deal with his worst enough times to know how to do it myself, because now there is only me to take care of him. And to be honest, he is one of the only people I have left. Turning my head to my left, I watch Scorpius crying quietly, tears streaming down his cheeks. His gaze seems distant, his eyes are filled with tear and when I put my hand around his shoulders and pull him closer to me, he closes his eyes, letting more tears escape.

I keep my tight grip on him and feel a small squeeze on my right shoulder. Looking at my mother, she sends me a sad smile, her eyes filled with tears as well. She was released from Azkaban years ago, about a year before Scorpius was born. She liked Astoria, though she wasn't very close to her. But my mother only stayed close to my son and I after she was free again. I try to return her a smile, pretend I am alright, but it feels like my expression barely changes, like my muscles don't move.

Theo is crying right behind me, I can recognize his voice. I might have been Astoria's husband, but Theo was her best friend and it makes me feel both better and worse to know that he is feeling the same I do. It feels horrible; like you are out of air, like there is nothing to continue living for, as if you have one lung instead of two. A part of you is gone. I can't even imagine what would have happened to me if I didn't have Scorpius. He is one of the few reasons I am standing here, the other one is that I have a feeling that Astoria would have wanted me here.

Scorpius disconnects from me, he told me earlier that he wrote Astoria a letter after she died, which he will read now. It feels wrong, a teenage boy mourning over his mother. Of course children mourn over their parents; that is what happens in wars, car accidents and a million other reasons, but when it is someone this close to you, you want to take them away from the entire situation. There is silence for a few long seconds and all I can hear are those unfamiliar sobs, so many of them. I don't know who is sobbing, I don't know why they are sobbing and suddenly it annoys me.

When I hear all these people sobbing, people I hardly know, I feel angry. We are standing outside, but I feel like the cemetery is bustling and all I want to do is walk away. I almost feel claustrophobic, like there are too many people around me, I feel like I am beginning to panic. Panic and anger is all I feel because of all of these people around me and how it feels like Astoria doesn't deserve a bunch of people who know very little to cry over her. Even though Scorpius is standing in the front, right next to the priest, and his hands slowly open a piece of paper, I begin to walk away. Everything feels like too much, too overwhelming.

A few people call me to come back, I can't recognize the voices and I don't stop walking. I pass right next to Scorpius, whom I expect to be furious with me for walking away, but his gaze is sympathetic, he understands. Even though I walk away, I can still hear Scorpius's voice talking and I listen. Every word he says makes me break a little bit more and my attempt not to let his words get to me fails. By the time I get to the road, where a few cars are parked, I feel like I might break down at any moment.

I sit down on the pavement, leaning my elbows on my knees and running one hand through my hair. I don't do anything besides stare at the air, letting my thoughts take me away. Memories of Astoria when we first started dating fill my mind, as well as the sight of Astoria's body when I saw it in the morgue. The comparison makes every part of me ache. The funny thing is I keep expecting for Astoria to appear and sit with me, cheer me up, touch me. I would give so much to feel her hand stroking my back, to have snuggling into my neck like she always did when I felt upset.

Tears escape from my eyes and I find myself sobbing uncontrollably. Astoria won't be back, she's **dead**. She didn't deserve this, she didn't deserve to die this young and I wish I could do something, **anything**, to change it. If I could bring her back… Merlin, I would take her place in a heartbeat. I feel like I need her, probably more than I ever did, and all I can feel is broken and afraid. I fear that I won't be able to do this without her. But she was good at this, everything, she would be able to do it without me. The knowledge that I need her and I can't have her back, only makes me sob harder.

At some point two figures sit beside me and I don't need to see clearly to know that they are Theo and Blaise. I wish I could stop crying, but I am too out of control to stop. I lower my head, as if that will prevent my two best friends from noticing that I am crying, and after a few seconds I feel two hands on my back. One is on my right shoulder, squeezing it, and I know it belongs to Theo by his slow exhales, he usually tries to calm himself down by focusing on his breaths. The second hand, Blaise's, is lying in the middle of my back.

Merlin knows how long we sit like that, but at some point I stop crying. I don't use my hands to wipe away the tears, it feels like a waste of energy, because either way my eyes are probably swollen enough to make it clear that I have cried. I don't say anything, feeling like my ability to talk is gone, so we keep sitting there until one of us speaks up.

''Do you remember what she told you when you started dating? That sentence she quoted to make you go out of the house?'' Theo asks softly.

''I think and think and think, I've thought myself out of happiness a million times, but never once into it.'' my voice coming out shaky and quiet. In my head, I can hear Astoria's voice saying the same words.

''There was this one day that I was with her and Scorp,'' Theo continues, a grin spreading on his face, like he thought of something great, ''it was about ten years ago. He was thinking about something really hard, had this cute frown on his face… She told him the same quote.''

Running my hand through my hair, I imagine the situation, what makes another single sob leave my mouth. Theo tightens his grip on my shoulder and doesn't wait for me to say anything. ''I don't remember what was bothering him, but he was definitely debating between two things… I think he was wondering what he wants for his birthday. The moment she told him that, he stopped frowning. While she was in the bathroom, I told him she told you the same quote and he instantly smiled.''

Through the pain I feel, Theo's words make me feel a bit warmer. There is nothing like the feeling you get when someone tells you that your son is like you, it's an unexplainable happiness, which now helps me feel the pain a bit less. Even though I still hurt, I appreciate Theo's words. Then, I remember one of my last minutes with Astoria. She asked me to take care of Scorpius, no matter what happened to her and I promised her I would.

We continue sitting there in silence. I keep thinking about the promise I made. She told me that even though Scorpius will be eighteen in less than a year, I need to continue to take care of him. She didn't really have to ask, because I know that it's my obligation as a father. When Scorpius appears in front of me, kneeling, I can still see in him the five years old, who did his best not to cry after he accidently broke the broomstick toy he got from his grandmother, even though his eyes were glittering, filled with tears. That makes me realize I will always see him as that little boy, which means I will always take care of him and be there for him. He won't have the father I had.

Though the thoughts crossed my mind, I can't join Astoria, it wouldn't be fair. I promised her I wouldn't do anything stupid. I have no idea how I will be living without her, however, I will keep my promises. She was the love of my life and she didn't deserve to die, but she deserves to have her wishes fulfilled. And maybe someday it will hurt less, or I'll get used to the pain like I got used to other bad things.

''Dad,'' Scorpius says and I feel him shaking me, yet I don't see him moving, ''**Dad**, wake up.''

Opening my eyes, my gaze meets a bright light of a lamp, causing me to look away. On my right side, I find Scorpius sitting in an armchair and there is a hand resting on his shoulder. Right next to him I see Astoria, a worried expression on her face. She steps closer to me, taking away her hand from Scorpius.

''Draco, are you alright?'' She asks softly, ''You had a surgery, you were unconscious for two days.''


End file.
